fears

Can’t leave my new toy alone. I have so many little design tweaks I’d like to make. They’ll come as I have time.

***

The Birdie ate well for the grandies, I’m thrilled to report. Canteloupe and mac & cheese. I’m hoping there isn’t a repeat of the barf-a-thon. That may have been cheese related. Even with this full belly she still insisted on an hour long nummins fest after we came home. Nursing has become my thinking time, like pooping or showering. I planned an entire art show in my head last night.

When I think about jumping back into my real art, I get a little nauseous. Skydiving nauseous. I build up a terrible amount of pressure that’s compounded by every day since I picked up clay paint pencil etching-tool paper. I’m dying to make something physical, and really dying for wet clay in in my hands but I’m really lost as to how to manage my time. I have some ideas that are probably worth exploring… the obsession with reaching the spiritual through the physical has whole new potency now, filtered through the experience of pregnancy, birth, and nursing. I want to make some artist’s books along these lines.

***

My priorities are out of control. I’m letting myself get run over by my chaos because I’m not planning. I feel like I’m (still, for like 15 years now?) just letting life happen to me instead of living it on purpose. I do better for a while with my diet, the house, the business, and then I slide back into my muck. I’m so anxious. I alluded in the old blog to the jaw clenching thing. I said I don’t grind my teeth I just clench. I lied- I’ve noticed I’m grinding. And I’m doing these OCD twitchy things with my toes and fingers that I do when I’m particularly nuts. Feel like I’m running late for a life and death public speech that I have to deliver naked on a tight rope. All the time.

I’m going to call the YWCA tomorrow to try to get hooked up with a scholarship again. I did much better when I was in a good routine of going to the gym than I do planning on walking or doing vidoes & stuff here. In order to make room for that I’m going to have to get up in the mornings early, which is my worst time. I’m a hateful shit in the mornings. Does that whole 21 days to set a new habit thing work?

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2 responses to “fears

  1. Yes, it does…. and eating well apparently (I think I remember the feeling) makes you feel better and “clearer” despite lack of exercise. 21 days, though- it’s magic. I find with “clean” eating… 3 days. If I eschew sugar and white-bread carb shit for 3 days, I’m golden… suddenly I can go… until I have to make the next chocolate birthday cake. *damn*
    ๐Ÿ˜‰
    I’m clean eating right now- starting today- because parts of my body are falling apart… back, possible gallbladder… dunno, but it hurts and it’s scary. Enough to scare me clean again. I always feel better sugarfree anyway…
    You can do it! Join me! ๐Ÿ˜‰ (Misery to the masses!)

  2. Oceanie Darlin’,
    Yeh I was just licking the icing from a chcolate cupcake off my fingers as I read this, so my diet has nowhere to go but up. We’ve also just found that we spend approximately 8 gagillion dollars on eating out this month. Crap crap crap. It all boils down to a desperate need for discipline. Have to make time to prepare real foods. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this…

    Thanks for the encouragement:) I hope your body starts behaving herself soon!

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