bottom fell out

of my good mood and high energy.

I just have doubts today. I think my new blog project is excessively narcissistic, and I’m insane to think anyone would read it much less buy advertising on it some day. I’m thinking I couldn’t finish new artwork by October even if my Fairy Goddess Mother flew in and fixed up my studio. I think the house will be a pit of filth forever and my husband loves Second Life more than me.

Given these feelings, and the calendar, we can all assume I’ll be having a period in 7 days or so. I need to start charting carefully again because 1) it was really nice to know that my depression/anxiety is hormonal and 2) if Emsy had an accidental baby sibling I think Bu and I would end up divorced. The idea is just not good. I’m through with childbearing.

A “normal”American woman would surmise from the preceding paragraph that it’s high time she marched her (shaved, tanned) legs into her (private, insurance-paid) gynecologist’s office and got some birth control pills. Even a spazzish wanna-crunch paranoiac like me would start to think maybe she should research more and consider taking her pale hairy self to the low income clinic to discuss options with the one crunchy nurse practitioner.

For now I’m off to try to make sense of these moods on my charting page at MyMonthlyCycles.

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6 responses to “bottom fell out

  1. I feel ya. But I like the new blog, so there! (I still haven’t been able to comment tho, since a) I can’t remember my password and b) we’ve been in and out of wireless today due to storms).

    I have TONS of thoughts on your last post — about the family stuff. I feel like I want to say it on my Lj, tho, too. I shall keep contemplating it and either email, reply or post…

  2. don’t give up now. why do you think doing something that you desperately need to do for yourself is narcisstic?
    i’ve been reading it all, secretely cheering for you all the time, but couldn’t do so properly until now since your comments over there were set to google account owners only.
    i think you’re doing great work there.

    as for the hormonal problems … yes, i guess most of us know them. for me it is often very convenient to relate a bad mood to my period, but i also know there’s more to it. if i’m not unhappy, unsatisfied or uncertain in the first place, those hormones barely cause more than a little headache and water retention.
    i hope you can get some support out of bu. it’s good to think of yourself, if just a little, even before doing the necessary household chores. and if you go to that clinic to discuss options, make sure to have bu go with you. it takes two to tango.

  3. Go to kerismith.com and get The Extremely Informative Period Chart. It’s an index card where you can keep track of your cycle, mark your flow, mark your PMS, etc. I love mine.

  4. I’m sure you already have a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility but if not, I’d be happy to send you my copy – it’s got so much great information about both TTC and trying-to-avoid.

    What about options like the snip for either you or your beloved? For men, in particular, it’s minimally invasive and isn’t going to affect his health in any way. The burden doesn’t need to all be yours!

  5. Sioneva,
    Actually I don’t have the book. We are planning on snippies for Bu when he gets insurance I guess. I’m not keen on the idea of hormonal stuff, but I love the idea of evening out the anxiety and other stuff.

  6. Bine,
    Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply…

    It’s not the doing that feels narcissistic, it’s the blogging plans with it. Assuming people will want to read a site that’s got so much personal “i suck” stuff.

    I don’t know. I’ll relax. I’m not publicizing it or trying to get ads & stuff yet, so I’ll chill. It’s a good tool for self growth. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

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