mindfullness

Edit: lol.. you guys probably think I was on crack titling this post “mindfullness.” I actually started a post about a new meditation/anxiety management idea, but I just decided to write about my day of arrrrgh! instead. Then, stuck in the arrrrgh!, I forgot to change the title. Thanks for the suggestions so much; we’ll make it through this. We slept better last night. Shorter nursing sessions at least.

Breakdown.

Feeling lost and overwhelmed and confused and all similar doubleplusungood emotions. I think I have to wean this baby from nighttime nursing; I’m exhausted. I’m sitting-in-the-driveway-sobbing-uncontrollably-husband-drags-me-inside-to-call-in-to-work-exhausted.

I’m going to examine this gently, and call my friend who’s a LLL leader and have her hold my hand through this and see how ro approach it. It’s so fraught with emotion for me I can barely discuss this without tears, but I have to figure out what to do to get more sleep because I am Fucking Losing My Shit.

It seems like a no-brainer to everyone who is not me. If you are me, it is a big damn deal: a huge clash between my instincts (Mamaself: wait her out; she needs the nighttime bonding and so do I. Employee/Business Owner/Wifeself: holyshit get the succubus off my boobz and sleep you crazy bitch- you are crazed.)

Tonight my plan is to not try to get anything done after her bedtime. I’ll laze around and watch House (HughLauriesquee!) and whatever and snuggle the baby. Try to talk to V about the weaning & stuff and get a boobycheerleader perspective. It’s so hard. She is so not ready, so weaning will be a definite test of wills and a sobbing baby sobbing mommy mess. It might make me feel worse than the lack of sleep. Fuck.

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10 responses to “mindfullness

  1. Hang in there … been through a similar kind of breakdown losing-it period. Time to take care of yourself — and doing so doesn’t mean that you are any less of a caring mom. If you feel you can’t go on exhausting yourself, you are right. And the time has come to heal your exhausted self — for you, baby and hubby.

  2. Hang in there, sweetie. Toddler nursing is a HUGE motherfucking challenge, to say the least!

    Something is in the air, the wakings-up seems to be spreading through all the kids I know…

    Did you read Dr jay Gordon’s nightweaning plan yet? If you haven’t, let me know, and I’ll find it for you…

  3. @nobaddays, I know. I’m going to search for some middle ground between giving everything I have to the baby and just yanking the boob away:) Will gather my resources and figure it out.

    @lexie, Yes:) I have the article. I love the spirit of it and am going to look over it again for answers. The biggest challenge for us is that Bu cannot get her to calm down even to a low roar. She gets absolutely hysterical if she knows I’m home and she can’t have me. I don’t know how to night wean her without him comforting her through the night some, but I just can’t stand the horrible terror she gets. If it was just fussy crying I’d let her CIO in her dad’s arms but she shakes and sobs and is soooo pitiful. Can’t stand it.

  4. Oh Mama….I have so been here, SERIOUSLY.

    I night weaned her.

    Just my experience, but she is still sad. At age almost 4

    You have to listen to YOUR heart and your girl. From what you wrote above, this is going to affect her in a way that may not be worth it to you.

    I so so so know how crazy it is not to sleep and have to work, it was the WORST I could not sympathize more, i ache for you both.

    Think outside the box, call Scott Noelle. I am not kidding, he is brilliant at thinking of things in a way where everyone wins. http://www.enjoyparenting.com tell him i told you to call…..you can’t think creatively b/c you are sleep deprived honey! call me, I am free…I mean it, email me for my number.

    love and light sistamamagoddess

  5. If it makes any difference, from a mom on the other side of the night nursing divide…I’m a better mother to Ciaran when he’s awake now that I’m rested at night. Also, I enjoy nursing him during the day a lot more because I’m rested while I’m doing it and we can play with each other as he nurses.

    Molly will still love you oodles even if you do not nurse her at night. She will still love you oodles even if she sleeps the whole night and you don’t spend that nursing time together.

    Also, as Jay Gordon put it, a little girl who has been loved to pieces since the minute she was born and has had all of her parents’ love and attention is not *scared* when you do not nurse her at night. Angry, yes, because suddenly the all-night buffet is gone.. Upset that she’s not getting her normal routine, yes. But not scared. If you were taking her and plopping her in a room all by herself, she’d be scared, but if you or Daddy are in the room with her and comforting her, she’s not scared.

    I liked Dr Gordon’s routine, anyway, which allowed me the freedom to pick which hours were most important to me to sleep and let us both ease into it gradually. He took to it so much faster than I’d expected…and believe me, I was expecting the absolute worst! it wasn’t easy but it also wasn’t hell.

    *hugs* Thinking of you, my dear.

  6. I second Scott Noelle. His emails are awesomeness.

  7. @ lex & deb
    I may be the only crunchy-ish mom in the world who thinks this, but Scott Noelle just totally gets on my nerves:/

    His advice is just so dance-with-the-fairies a lot of the time and it’s never ever practical. It’s nice to read spiritual reminders of what we intuit as mamas/daddies, but I need practical. Like Dr. Gordon- that’s what I’m talking about! 🙂

    OK, whew. I came out as a non-daily groove fan. And it’s OK. Really…lol

  8. Hi Sweetie, I haven’t read all of the comments and will probably be boo’d off the face of the earth for my perspective…but you know me, and that all I am doing is sharing my perspective and hopefully offering you some food for thought. I am from the school that believes that when a child begins to walk (can stand on her own two feet and walk away from mama)and has their first tooth (chewing is coming), these are nature’s signals that it’s time for weaning next. I do believe that nature gives us perfect clues. love you.

  9. Hey, Marianne:) Thanks for chiming in!

    I do think those are milestones that signal more interest in food and less in mama, and I havbe several friends whose kids chose to wean when they learned to walk. Molly’s nowhere near ready to let go of it, and my unofficial goal is at least two years. That’s what the WHO recommends, and I feel like that’s a time frame that’s more biology-based than the cultural standard of up to a year or so.

    It’s certainly not set in stone, and I’m really proud I’ve nursed her as long and as well as I have, so if/when I decide to find ways to gently steer her away from nursing at night, I have that confidence that I’ve given her the best nutrition and bonding.

    And even though my intuition tells me to continue nursing longer than your intuition says, it’s so immensely helpful to hear from *wonderful* mamas, especially who are natural-living inclined, who aren’t “boob nazis”… lol. It’s so important to remember there aren’t any rules for this stuff, and to listen to my heart and my baby girl’s.

    I also have been the first to say that a happy mommy is a better mommy, so if days like the day I wrote this start to become more frequent I promise to be kind to myself and not just to the baby:)

  10. Exactly. I’m proud of you for “knowing”.

    Much love,…

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