the surreal impending-monday awareness of my toddler

How does she know? Why does she always pick Sunday nights for Super Extreme Freakouts? Do all babies of working moms have this innate sense of mommy’s need for clarity on Re-Entry to Workforce Day?

We were awake, in tears (yep, both of us) from 10 p.m. until 1:30 a.m. I still have no idea what the hell was wrong with her but my tears were from the crazed, terrified confusion, very brand-new-mama-esque, of not knowing what to do to help my tiny screaming creature who clearly needed something but couldn’t tell me what. (Except to sign more! more! but she signs that roughly 1,234,890 times a minute.) Whatever the demon was that had her, it was exorcized spontaneously- finally- and we crashed hard.

My lifestyle sucks. Bu and I are having a meeting to discuss  time management, budget, chores, etc. I can’t be exhausted anymore. Must fix this. I do think that if I clear away the hormonal hysteria* and my all-or-nothing attitude that we can arrange our world in a saner way. If we can’t then I’m going to sell the baby or the husband to the gypsies. Or eBay maybe.

*I feel anti-feminist** to talk about my insanity during my cycle. I am seriously a different person, though. It sucks. I’m thinking about getting back on some hormonal birth control. I read about some herbal therapy though… but it doesn’t kill two birds. The idea of another baby is all cute for 10 seconds and then I think I’d jump off a bridge. I’d make sure the gypsies found a good home for Bu & the Boue first, of course.

**Because I’m an insane overthinker and debate the intricacies and ramifications of fucking everything, including a deceptively simple blogpost about being tired and cranky during my period. Because I’m that effing crazy.

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9 responses to “the surreal impending-monday awareness of my toddler

  1. Oh, sweetness. All I can say is, I know, I have been there (Sunday morning from midnight to 2, plus some extra time when I was nursing for G-d knows how long…).

    Feminism be damned if we can’t talk about our realities. the reality is: hormones fucking suck sometimes. (Male hormones also suck sometimes.)

    (((((hugs))))))

  2. awww, sorry to hear you are having such a hard time lately.
    i don’t think molly has an innate sense of your need for clarity before starting the new week, she probably just picks up on your tension and senses you need to withdraw a little.
    those are the moments i’m quite glad i never had a baby. not that i don’t know what i’m all missing, and i’m sure i’d be a happy and loving mom today if i had just happened to get pregnant at the right time.
    but i know myself as such a moody person, to think i had a little pick-up baby that amplified all those little turmoils into late-night screaming fits …
    hormonal hysteria … yep, i’m good at that. we lose a day of love and tenderness almost each and every month because i get cranky and whiny and unreasonable and then he says “oh, it’s that time again” and of course then i’ll be pissed as hell for sure. at least we are able to laugh about it afterwards.

  3. When meltdown like that happens, can your beloved take over childcare duties? Graham now does nighttime wakings with Ciaran and it’s like night and day for my stress levels.

    *hugs*

    Way back when our bodies evolved, I imagine hormonal shifts weren’t such inconvenient things You can certainly LIKE being a woman and not like being in emotional turmoil once a month!

  4. You are not crazy. Emsy may be little, but she can certainly notice the vibe around your house, and I’m sure that’s what she’s reacting to. And you know what? Hormones are crazy. I always wind up extra frustrated because it just seems so dumb to lose control of my own faculties because of them, which just makes me feel worse. I am glad to hear you and Bu are having a meeting and hope that you can work out something that will make things easier for you.

    On top of all of this, are you still not getting a full night’s sleep? It really and truly might be time to night-wean your girl. It’ll be tough in the short term, but may ultimately make you a better mom.

    Hang in there, girl, and email me if you want to talk.

  5. Oh, girls, thanks for your support:)

    It IS time to night-wean, definitely 100% yes it is time. How is a minor mystery that I’ll explore with my LLL posse Friday… I’m frustrated because she really will not take any comfort from Bu. I may have to clench my teeth and let her cry in his arms a few nights and hope that she gets used to being with him at night. It’s really, really hard though. She doesn’t just cry, she shakes and sobs and justs seems terrified. I’m not sure I can or should override my mama instincts to let her do that. I’m fishing for ideas, but yes I HAVE to get some sleep.

  6. whew. I don’t know what to say. My oldest used to have nightmares when she was a toddler-scary stuff.

    THink of it this way-hundreds of years ago, you would have been pregnant again, so no period, but at the mercy of pregnancy hormones and no sleep. Now THAT would be scary. :

  7. Heidi, you may have some really hard nights ahead of you, but it will be over sooner than you think. And you will not believe how amazing you feel when you’re sleeping all the time. Jack didn’t sleep through the night until 13 months, and I had no idea how tired I was until I started sleeping again.

    She will be okay.

  8. LOL@Thordora: That totally puts it in perspective:)

    Yeh, Betsy, I think you are probably right. I’m going to work on this and keep my own needs in mind as well as Miss Birdy’s. Too easy to forget that a sane mommy who doesn’t nurse at night is a better mom than a cracked out nutjob who nurses all night long…lol:)

  9. Remember you can call me anytime!!

    LLL leader for 13 yrs and 4 babies…..I am so glad you are going to LLL meetings…..It will be OK there are ways to do it and stay connected.

    just keep listening to Molly. sleep deprivation fucks up your hormones something crazy…..it will put weight on you and screw with your adreneals that affects your hormones so you really will feel better.
    Let me know if you need anything….it was hard and still is sometimes, I think I told you she is still obssessed with my boobs and sometimes I worry but at least I didn’t kill her or myself!! LOL

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