black humor & killing the perfect

We delivered the babe to the grandies so I could sleep. Usually one great night recharges me and I’m OK. (This is, in fact, the case this a.m.) We started to attempt to dig our home out from the chaos, and I was just spinning. Anxiety attack over nothing/everything. Bu was coaching me through it and keeping me focused enough to help him clean the kitchen, all the while clowning and goosing me and trying to keep my head above water. In response, I was annoyed and terse.

Our stove is a hateful 80’s electric glass topped thing, and it had crud caked on it. Bu turns to me and asks, “Do we have razor blades?” I deadpanned “God, I hope so,” and looked sorrowfully at my wrist. Perfect beat before bursting into hiccuppy crazy laughter. We made Daisy-on-suicide-watch jokes all night long, and it was the perfect tension breaker. Oh, twisted lurve.

Bu also observed that I am really an extremes person. I’ve had that insight but was kind of impressed the way he was analyzing me. I don’t know whether to try to emrace it or “fix” it but it’s nice that he discovered my utter inability to understand moderation. I.e. there is no “house is in decent shape” for me. There is beautiful shining order or evil soul killing chaos and so why fucking bother? I can’t stand to clean a bit at a time. If I start I take all day and the whole house is perfect.

I’m trying to destroy the idea of PERFECT because I know it’s an illusion but it hangs over me everywhere and keeps me in a constant pressurized not-good-enough mindset. I’m journaling a lot on actual paper, trying to symbolically kill Perfect. I wanna make a zine so bad. Maybe I can get started this weekend.


4 responses to “black humor & killing the perfect

  1. Oh, how I know this Either/Or. It is a plague. Once I start, once I commit, Attachment grows so strong. And like you, humor is often the only thing that can soften the edges. Humor or minor catastrophe – like a refrigerator that dies right before a huge Christmas party. Yes. It happened to me this year. And it was funny and perfect and allowed me to get into the spirit of fun.

    Thank you for the photo Christmas card. It was a wonderful, unexpected Christmas treat! Your pearls and baby girl’s gingham dress were just perfect.

  2. wheeee! my doodle arrived today! oh awesomeness! i love that little mermaid. you know, i really wish i was a mermaid so i could swim like a fish, not like a frog. and she is a very moon-y mermaid too. i’m sure there will come a point in the future when i’ll be able to hang pictures in my room and she’ll get a place where i can look at her all the time.

    destroying the perfect … yes, i know that problem. i’m not really ocd extreme, but i get these short bursts of perfectionism. in my case it seems to be a protestant family problem from my mother’s side. i’m getting better at controlling it, though. but the state of our flat freaked me out nevertheless yesterday.

  3. Ooh make a zine 🙂

    BTW: There’s a really cool & effective glass stovetop cleaner: Scotch Brite Cooktop Cleaner*. It’s pre-soaked pads that you attach to a little handheld plastic thing. You scrub your cooktop and remove the pad nad toss it. It’s the only thing i’ve found that gets off really baked-on crap from the glass top but it’s quite gentle. And it’s low effort too. I get mine (refill pads) at Target.


  4. @Brooke: I’m so glad you liked it! Squee… Wow. A dead fridge at Christmas does totally trump my panic-for-no-bloody-reason-AT-ALL! Hope the holiday was lovely, lukewarm food notwithstanding:)

    @Bine: Yay! That was faster than I’d expected. And it’s not too expensive to mail overseas. I can’t remember the last time I mailed out of the US. I’m thrilled that you like her. She was a very fun doodle.

    @Eden: Yes. The zine, it calls me. I have a personal one and a breastfeeding one (Vitamin DD!) in mind:) Thanks for the cleaner suggestions. I detest that bloody thing. (I prefer gas stoves.)

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