Often I’m having this feeling that my psyche is finally coalescing and settling in. I’m more comfortable in this existence, and I’m owning my mental and physical space more. I feel at home in my body, listening to its complaints and pleasures more, intuiting its rhythms and tides. I’m more assertive about my choices- like smiling and assuring an old friend that “No, Molly’s not too old to nurse,” and deciding to use my real name on mine and Alexis’ parenting blog. I’ve started to acknowledge and celebrate my birth defects in my art and writing, and I’m starting to think less compartmentally in my projects, if I may (apparently- according to spell check- invent a word.) What I mean here is that I have the zine idea and the Cafe Press thing and some other sorta diverse plans in mind, and I’m fighting the idea of creating a million different sites and stores and things. Part of me is scared crunchy parents don’t want to see snarky dark stuff, and potential logo clients don’t want to see a zine with my boobs and funky arm in, etc. However, if I want to build a business from my creativity, it is best to just let it all out there and let the synthesis that is my brain groove be what it is. Trying to divide myself is both stifling to the creativity and kind of insulting, really, to the potential customers.
I always had this vague sense that in my thirties I’d come into myself. Maybe with that idea actually created this feeling myself, or maybe I saw other women become more truly them in their thirties. Maybe 3 is just so laden with mystic energy that everyone has thirties epiphanes. (And I’ve always been pretty obsessed with psychological transformations. My very first webpage was titled “Metamorphosis Psyche.” Holy shit; it’s still live! Images & half the links are broken, but still. Behold my early twenties angst.)
I suspect, however, that giving birth at age 30 had a whole lot to do with this. Motherhood does a bang up job of turning a body and mind inside out. Today I’m kind of a glowy, floaty mom feeling like it’s a crazy beautiful gift and the sacred/mundane nature of it is blowing my mind.
(I seem to have gotten a whole lot more out of that mini-retreat than I initially thought. I got tipped over totally into the mystical part of me and I feel like my thinking and writing is 1,000 times more clear and true this weekend. I’m actually excited today to translate that into the drawing. My model session was a hoot, what with the two or three beers we drank and the fake baby and yoga mat covered in Dharma fur. I have several good variations on the pose to look at and I also figured out a little problem with the framing/printing.)