Sometimes the concept of blogging just totally freaks me out. It’s so… publishy. My thoughts are online, visible to the public, and I feel committed to them then. Like yesterday I was all aglow about being a mom and a women in her thirties and now I feel like a colossal mess and it’s like I defined myself as that person I was yesterday but today I’m different and yesterday’s posts feel oppressive.
The mess feeling? It’s origin? No earthly idea. I’m just crazy. And possibly bored. Like Bored with Everything. Restless. Being in the office on a sunny spring day is unhealthful. I’m also mentally beating the shit out of myself about absolutely nothing of consequence and this is not good.
I want to be a person who has small, warm, comfortable thoughts. I don’t like negotiating the gulf between my giant supernova thoughts and my whispering black ice thoughts. I can’t find grey area. This comes of as very manic depressive, but it’s not like that, really. Probably. I’m just tired of thinking in extremes that overwhelm me.
Today I want SSRI’s. Instead I will walk out into the very pretty sun for a minute and breathe. Regroup. It’s comforting to have that filter now- to see that I need to refocus myself and trust that it’ll probably work. Used to just lie there spinning for days on end.
Edit: Small shot of sunshine and a quick chat with Laura did wonders. Am now so much better that I think I’d like to delete this post but am not, because it was real and me and it’s nice to have here so i can go back and say, “You know what? Wigginess is temporary. Carry on.”